On the R-Word.

“Hey, Ms. N, what’s wrong with your fan?” I look to the fan in my classroom that he’s talking about, and I can’t find anything wrong with it. The student says, “It looks autistic. You know…retarded.”


In my mind, I’m thinking, “Really? You chose to say that?” The other students have started to chastise him, and I’ll take a moment later to be proud of them for that. I take a really deep breath to calm myself, and I address the student.

“You probably shouldn’t say things like that-, “I start.

“Oh, I didn’t mean it badly. Like, if another kid is being mean to a kid that has special issues, I’m going to stand up for that kid.”

“But you did mean it badly. You were insinuating that my fan is in some way stupid or deformed, and instead of saying that, you chose the words ‘retarded’ and ‘autistic’. You see, my daughter is autistic. There’s nothing stupid or deformed about her. Using those words to mean stupid or deformed is unacceptable, and until you can increase your vocabulary, you’re just as bad as someone that is being mean to a kid with ‘special issues’ because you’re continuing a belief that those people are somehow less than everyone else. Improve your vocabulary. Don’t let me hear you say that again.”

He continues to try to explain why what he said is okay. I interrupt him again.

“Look, you’re taking a word that describes a person that had no choice over his/her lot in life, and you’re making that word mean something different than it should. You’re taking a word that in the past has meant ‘special needs’ and you’re making it into something negative. It’s not okay. Change your perspective, and change your vocabulary.”

Another student looks at him and says, “I told you. “

I know this is an issue that’s been around for awhile. I mean, there’s an initiative to end the use of the word “retarded” as a way to describe something as stupid (http://www.r-word.org/). It’s not okay. Ever. There’s this widespread belief in the world that we need to teach tolerance.

Here’s my question: Why don’t we teach acceptance instead?

If we’re preaching/teaching tolerance, there’s an underlying thread of thought that suggests that what you’re tolerating is somehow wrong. Are autistic children wrong in their existence? What about people with Down’s Syndrome? Addison’s disease? Doose Syndrome? Epilepsy? There is nothing wrong with these people’s existence, and teaching people to tolerate these issues feels wrong to me.

Lizzie is struggling with this right now. She’s being bullied at school, and I know she wishes that her classmates would just accept her. Heck, for all my preaching about teaching tolerance, I think she’d welcome their tolerance if it meant they’d leave her alone.