Catching Up

My heart is heavy today.  Nothing terrible has happened, but I'm just so....sad, I guess would be a good word.  I'm yearning for the normalcy of our pre-Christmas lives.  Ever since my daughter was hospitalized for the kidney stones, I feel like we've been in a tailspin, and nothing I'm doing is helping to stop it.

The Carbatrol has affected her moods, and I'm not afraid to admit that it is frustrating.  When her ADHD med and the vitamin B-6 has had a chance to take effect, my daughter is the sweetest person on the planet, but otherwise, she is combative and, at times, downright mean.  She hits.  She kicks.  She bites.  She acts out and tries to cause pain just because she can.  When she's "normal", she realizes why her actions are wrong, and she feels immense guilt.  This morning getting ready for school was particularly difficult.  She tried to kick me several times, and tried to run from the bathroom when I tried to give her morning meds to her.  After a few minutes, it was like her fog had cleared, and she said, "I'm so sorry, Mommy.  I don't want to be mean.  I can't help it, though.  I think there's something wrong with my brain.  Is it sick?"  I cried with her for a little bit, and I told her that no matter how mean she is sometimes, I will always love her, and it's okay because I know she doesn't mean to be mean to me. 

My daughter is one of the sweetest souls ever put on this earth.  This is so much harder than it has been in the past because she is aware of what is happening to her.  She's confused, and no amount of explaining has helped.  For the first time in a long, long time, I don't know what to do.

On top of everything else, she still isn't gaining any weight.  I've been calorie loading that poor child for weeks, and NOTHING has changed.  I'm afraid she needs to go back on medication to make her hungry.

As a side note, I've requested that we see a ENT specialist to see about having her tonsils out.  Since before Thanksgiving, she's been a carrier for strep throat, and she's been getting sick every few weeks as a result.  Every time she's sick, her seizure threshold goes down, and then when we do a round of antibiotics, the threshold goes down again.  It's just not healthy any way you look at it to continue on this path.

I'm just tired.  I feel like every time we get back on our feet, they're kicked out from under us again.  She's been through so much, and I can't help but wonder when enough is finally going to be enough.